Fraud Alert

I received a phone call from a scam artist today. It was kind of surreal, actually. You don’t really expect those and when they do happen, your brain is all, “WTF?” It was an interesting conversation, mostly because I was kind caught off guard. This scam claimed to be from VISA representing Publisher’s House. No, not Publisher’s Clearing House, because no person in their right mind would believe an actual legitimate business would be contacting them. That would be just crazy. No, they had to come up with the fictional Publisher’s House because that’s just more believable. Anyhow, this scammer was a sweet lady at the ripe old age of forty-six, or at least that’s how I’m imagining her by the sound of her voice. She didn’t give me her name, but I’m going to say it was June, because that’s just the kind of lady she was.

3a42324r

Thanks, June.

Image Courtesy of the Library of Congress LC-USZ62- 42001

Now, June had called to inform me that I had been entered into a drawing that will be held on May 31st because of my standing and payment history with my VISA cards. She was so delighted and encouraged me to keep on being a good VISA user. Anyhow, I’d been entered to win $25,000, a 2016 Ford Mustang, or a complete kitchen remodel. I really wanted the kitchen remodel, but since I live in apartment, I decided to go with the cash. Sorry, Barbara. You’re a wonderful landlord, but when having to choose between a cash sum and remodeling your kitchen, I’m going to take the money.

Anyhow, in addition to being in the drawing, I was also going to be given five complimentary magazine subscriptions for 48 months. June, being the sweet lady that she is, asked me what types of magazines I liked. “Gosh,” I said. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I read a magazine.” That was a lie. I had just read an issue of The Lutheran Witness the other day, but since I assumed they weren’t selling good theology, I didn’t think that counted. She informed me that they have all sorts of magazines and asked me if I had children. When I said I had very young ones she told me about the wonderful parenting magazines they had to offer and about parents who trade magazines with each other. Oh June, you’re so sweet. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I would never read a parenting magazine.

8e03956v.jpg

I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the internet.

Image Courtesy of the Library of Congress LC-USF344-007364-ZB

Now June, she wanted to make a little small talk and told me that the publishers liked to know a little bit about their clients. She then verified my address, name, and phone number. While all of these can easily be found online, I was delighted to know that June was so dedicated to her work that she took the time to double check my name and phone number, despite the fact that she had in fact called my phone and asked for me by name. We could learn a lot about manners from our elderly. She asked me how old I was and what I did for work. I told her, not having the heart to tell her about the wonders of Google+. We had a delightful conversation, though. She wanted to know all about the weather patterns in Maine and even invited me to come visit her in California when I won the $25,000.

After the chit-chat, she also told me that I was also was going to be given a complimentary watch. Now, she assured me that this wasn’t like a Rolex or anything like that, but that it was a nice watch. Now, I could get one for a man or a woman. When I told her I don’t wear a watch, she said I could get the ladies one for my wife. I like June. In this day and age when I could have say a husband or a wife who has become a husband or both, she assumed that I had a wife. Such old school sensibilities. Alas, June, I have never seen a watch laid upon my wife’s wrist. I asked her what if I don’t want the watch. She informed me that it was a gift as part of the magazine subscriptions.

Wait. I’m entered to win $25,000, I get a whole bunch of magazines, and a free watch? I had to back track and ask June about the five free subscriptions. That was when June informed that there was some term I cannot recall, but basically, I buy one magazine subscription and I get the other four for free. What on earth would I do with one magazine subscription, let alone five? I needed June to be straight with me. “June,” I didn’t say but did follow up with, “Do I need the magazines to get the $25,000?” “No,” she said, “you’ve already been entered. You can win whether you get the magazines or not.” Okay, moment of honesty. “Okay, I don’t really care about the watch or the magazines, so let’s forget those.””Alright. Good luck. I hope you win.” Click.

June? JUNE!? Oh, June. Where have you gone!? Was it all a lie? Everybody. I need you to help me find June. Her phone number is (310) 519-1008. If you hear from June, please tell her that I like her. Please tell her that I’m waiting. Please tell her, I want to visit if I win the money.

Of Beards and Presidents

I stopped shaving sometime back in October in preparation for Grow-vember. Grow-vember came and went and I kept on not shaving. I’d thought about it, but then I remembered last year when the day after I shaved, we got the coldest weeks we’d had all winter. I’m not going to fall for that again. When spring arrives is when I’ll go back to my traditional appearance. My beard has become quite full over the months, so much so that my wife has informed me that I’m starting to look like the 19th United States President Rutherford B. Hayes and that it turns her on. Had I known that my wife was into well dressed bearded old men, I’d have perhaps updated my wardrobe and spoken more gruffly. As it stands, I have some work to do.

sexyrutherford

Bringing sexy back.

Rutherford was one of only five Presidents to have a beard and one of only twelve to have facial hair of any sort. The last president to sport facial hair was William Howard Taft from 1909 to 1913, who had a moustache. It’s been over one hundred years since we’ve had a president with hair on their face which I’m sure has been of great detriment to our great country. Oh, sure, the founding fathers were clean shaven, but look at the time and what was taking place. A good shave was probably one of the few great luxuries they could enjoy, and yes, shaving can be luxurious if done proper. Between war, disease, back breaking labor, FOUNDING AN ENTIRE COUNTRY, and a myriad of other problems, the shaving ritual probably felt like one the few moments of pure bliss and delight. If you’ve never had a proper shave with a hot towel and a straight razor, you’ve never shaved a day in your life.

americancleanshavenrevolution

Exactly what it feels like after a proper shave.

The last candidate to run for president with any kind of facial hair whatsoever (until now) was Thomas E. Dewey in 1948. Some have gone so far as to credit his moustache with the reason for losing. Both times. Now I’m not saying there’s any correlation here, but I find it mighty suspicious that the last time we see facial hair in the highest seat in the country is just before women got the right to vote. Now we’ve had a hundred plus year absence of the stuff. Then again, maybe it just goes with the fashion of the times. The longest streak of presidents with facial hair was 6 over a period of twenty years. That’s half of them in a twenty year span in the roughly two hundred and forty years we’ve been a nation. Still, until recently, there’s never been a century long gap in facial hair either. Perhaps todays ladies find facial hair threatening. Now that I think about it, perhaps this is the real reason Ben Carson won’t win.

scarybeard

“Oh, god! What the hell is that on his face!?”

Let that be a lesson to the next Libertarian who want’s a shot at winning the presidency. Find a way to get the Republican and Democrat nominees to both have facial hair, then come out with a smooth face. There’s no way he could lose.

schopenhauer

“The beard, being a half-mask, should be forbidden by the police – It is, moreover, as a sexual symbol in the middle of the face, obscene: that is why it pleases women.” -Arthur Schopenhauer