Tender Wings of Desire

Every once in a while, a book so magical comes out that it seems to defy it’s very own existence. Enter Tender Wings of Desire. Written by “Colonel Sanders” and copy written by YUM! Brands (yes, the company that owns KFC), Tender Wings of Desire tells the story of a high class young woman Madeline Parker who is to be wed to Duke Reginald, a man with whom she has no romantic interest. On the night before she is to be married, she flees her home on horseback and ends up in an English fishing town working as a barmaid.

She soon falls in love with a young sailor named Harland who can only be described as Sexy Colonel Sanders. This is a fun little romance novel that actually contains no smut, but leaves you completely amused at the entire concept. For the most part, the story plays it straight, but with gems like “I think it’s time for you to put aside your childish sailing and come back to take up the mantle of Colonel Sanders” and “The hills of Kentucky miss you, as do all of us” written into the story, it’s one not to be missed.

Sadly, it probably will be missed as the book was only available for a few days around Mother’s Day. It was free, however, and if you can find yourself a copy, I surely recommend reading it. It’s quite short (roughly a hundred pages or so) and something to behold. If I had one complaint on the story it would be this; it did not end with everyone eating a bucket of fried chicken. In fact, there was no fried chicken to be found anywhere in story. The only fried chicken to be found is on the cover of this amazing book. A book you need to read.

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This cover tells you everything you need to know about the story and what you need to know are the words written inside of it.

 

 

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Serial Girls

There’s an app about town that’s managed to attain the direction of my fancy. It’s called FaceApp. It’s main rise to fame (from what I can tell on 9Gag) is it’s gender swapping capabilities. Now, while I can’t that I agree with changing one’s gender, one has to admit that it’d be a lot of fun to find out what one would look like as their opposite. Especially when you get that uncomfortable realisation that you would totally date yourself.

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Female me would need a little waxing maybe have those jowls toned up, but I’d take me out.

Of course, once I got my kicks out of that, I started to wonder how I could apply this to another passion of mine. And that’s when I started hunting for good quality pictures of Jeffrey Dahmer.

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Ms. Dahmer has mastered the resting bitch face.

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You can never win her approval.

So, female Jeffrey Dahmer might be a little cute, but you’d never want to go out with her. Not because of the cannibalism; that’d be the least of your worries. No, your problem would be that nothing would ever be good enough for her. No matter how hard you tried, she would always find some way to disapprove. Do all the dishes? She’d be pissed that you didn’t make the bed. Cooked her an amazing dinner? It wasn’t what she wanted. After a few months, you’d be praying for her to eat you.

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I tried the man filter on Aileen, but it didn’t change anything.

Now here we have John Wayne Gacy and Aileen Wournos. Instead of becoming a member of the community by dressing up as Pogo the Clown, Ms. Gacy is the love of children everywhere thanks to her freshly baked cookies. And you can tell that she’d make the best damn cookies, too. Not because she’s plump, but because her face just shouts out with pride, “I am a pillar of the community and I became that pillar with chocolate chips.” I would certainly go. I bet they’d be delicious. I’d just be sure to bring a friend so I don’t end up below the crawl space.

This one I feel kinda bad about. I attempted to make Aileen a man, but there was really no change, so I ended up using the female filter. And this is why I feel kinda bad. You see, by putting the female filter on her, it makes her claims about murdering all those people in self defense actually seem more believable. It’s a little bit troubling how just making someone appear more pretty can alter your perception. Granted, once she started talking we’d quickly realize batshit crazy she really was, but she probably would’ve escaped the death sentence.

 

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Why yes, a Tupperware party sounds just delightful.

Ted Bundy was able to blend in like nobody’s difference and his female alter-ego would be no different. She’d be very popular and probably host Tupperware parties with the other ladies around town. She’s got a kinky side that’s just enough to make people blush, but cool enough to keep rumors from spreading. Just watch out for your butt; she likes to bite.

 

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We all know which one would be the mean friend.

You can’t help but look at female David Berkowitz and feel bad for her. Right away, you can tell that she’s the really nice friend who always get’s taken advantage of. She begins making poor decisions with her body in a vain attempt to fit in, but only furthers her into depression. Eventually, at the advice of her cat, she buys a gun.

Her “friend”, female Richard Ramirez, certainly didn’t help matters any. Always bringing her to trashy night clubs to make herself look better. Ms. Ramirez was no friend. Her only concern was making herself look better to get what she wanted and wasn’t above using insecure nice girls like Ms. Berkowitz to do it. When something wouldn’t go her way, she would exclaim, “OMS! (Oh My Satan!)” To say Ms. Ramirez had an unhealthy relationship with the devil would be an understatement. I wouldn’t be surprised if she used her dark arts to influence a certain friend’s cat.