Serial Girls

There’s an app about town that’s managed to attain the direction of my fancy. It’s called FaceApp. It’s main rise to fame (from what I can tell on 9Gag) is it’s gender swapping capabilities. Now, while I can’t that I agree with changing one’s gender, one has to admit that it’d be a lot of fun to find out what one would look like as their opposite. Especially when you get that uncomfortable realisation that you would totally date yourself.

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Female me would need a little waxing maybe have those jowls toned up, but I’d take me out.

Of course, once I got my kicks out of that, I started to wonder how I could apply this to another passion of mine. And that’s when I started hunting for good quality pictures of Jeffrey Dahmer.

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Ms. Dahmer has mastered the resting bitch face.

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You can never win her approval.

So, female Jeffrey Dahmer might be a little cute, but you’d never want to go out with her. Not because of the cannibalism; that’d be the least of your worries. No, your problem would be that nothing would ever be good enough for her. No matter how hard you tried, she would always find some way to disapprove. Do all the dishes? She’d be pissed that you didn’t make the bed. Cooked her an amazing dinner? It wasn’t what she wanted. After a few months, you’d be praying for her to eat you.

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I tried the man filter on Aileen, but it didn’t change anything.

Now here we have John Wayne Gacy and Aileen Wournos. Instead of becoming a member of the community by dressing up as Pogo the Clown, Ms. Gacy is the love of children everywhere thanks to her freshly baked cookies. And you can tell that she’d make the best damn cookies, too. Not because she’s plump, but because her face just shouts out with pride, “I am a pillar of the community and I became that pillar with chocolate chips.” I would certainly go. I bet they’d be delicious. I’d just be sure to bring a friend so I don’t end up below the crawl space.

This one I feel kinda bad about. I attempted to make Aileen a man, but there was really no change, so I ended up using the female filter. And this is why I feel kinda bad. You see, by putting the female filter on her, it makes her claims about murdering all those people in self defense actually seem more believable. It’s a little bit troubling how just making someone appear more pretty can alter your perception. Granted, once she started talking we’d quickly realize batshit crazy she really was, but she probably would’ve escaped the death sentence.

 

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Why yes, a Tupperware party sounds just delightful.

Ted Bundy was able to blend in like nobody’s difference and his female alter-ego would be no different. She’d be very popular and probably host Tupperware parties with the other ladies around town. She’s got a kinky side that’s just enough to make people blush, but cool enough to keep rumors from spreading. Just watch out for your butt; she likes to bite.

 

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We all know which one would be the mean friend.

You can’t help but look at female David Berkowitz and feel bad for her. Right away, you can tell that she’s the really nice friend who always get’s taken advantage of. She begins making poor decisions with her body in a vain attempt to fit in, but only furthers her into depression. Eventually, at the advice of her cat, she buys a gun.

Her “friend”, female Richard Ramirez, certainly didn’t help matters any. Always bringing her to trashy night clubs to make herself look better. Ms. Ramirez was no friend. Her only concern was making herself look better to get what she wanted and wasn’t above using insecure nice girls like Ms. Berkowitz to do it. When something wouldn’t go her way, she would exclaim, “OMS! (Oh My Satan!)” To say Ms. Ramirez had an unhealthy relationship with the devil would be an understatement. I wouldn’t be surprised if she used her dark arts to influence a certain friend’s cat.

 

 

 

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What’s the Real Story?

A few days ago as I stood in line at the grocery store, I glanced over at the rack of magazines and saw something hilarious. There was a picture of Jared from Subway looking sad and underneath it said in plain black letters, “Jared beaten up in prison.” But then, right below it in larger bright pink letters, “PLUS: HE’S GAINED 30 LBS!” You can tell where the media feels our priorities lie. On one hand, you have the spokesman for a healthier society who was shown to be an active pedophile and now he’s getting beaten up for it in prison. A stark warning to anybody who considers committing the unspeakable crimes. On the other hand, you have the story about how the guy who lost all the weight at Subway is getting fat again. What’s the bigger story?

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“Holy shit! The Subway guy gained 30 lbs. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!”

I looked at some of the articles online and many of them talked about how he eats cakes for breakfast and the other junk he’s consuming with only brief mention of the assault. The story that’s being reported is less about a pedophile getting his ass kicked and more about a pedophile on his way to diabetes. The reporting that’s been done (from what I’ve seen) has clearly been less on the actual news and more about making people feel better about themselves. I can imagine some poor obese person whom Jared once gave hope but could never achieve the weight loss saying aloud, “HA! That’s what you get for making me feel fat. Now who’s the fatty!?”

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It’s still you.

And that’s how I realized why magazines are still around this in this day and age. Bullshit headlines for bullshit stories to makes us feel better for few minutes as we laugh at someone else’s expense, even when the actual story is almost totally ignored. You might point out that it’s typical for tabloids and celebrity magazines to have headlines along the lines of, “Look who got fat!” and you would be right, but the difference here is that there is an actual big story and it all gets glossed over. If there is a silver lining to all of this it is this; if you’re famous and you commit some horrible crime, just get fat and it may overshadow every terrible thing you’ve ever done.